We need to talk.
I think you've noticed that I've been avoiding you a bit lately. It's not me, it's you. Don't get me wrong, I still think you're insanely talented and the most beautiful creature I've ever seen in my life. But these days, you seem to be, well, trying too hard.
Of course, I realize the pressure you're under, leaving JYP management which gave you your chance at stardom when everyone else said you were a decent dancer but too ugly to be a star, and going off on your own. But sweetie, it's one thing to try new things and aim to be better, and it's another to overdo the sexy to the point where you just seem needy. I know that pop idols are encouraged -- nay, required -- to project a certain degree of sluttiness, but there's slutty, and then there's coming off as a complete whore. For example, I was happy to see your treasure trail in the inside pages of your "Rain's World" album. I was NOT happy to see the treasure actually peeking out of your pants in your latest album promo pictures (see above). There are just some things that should be left to our imagination. Don't worry, we are KPop fans -- the stuff we imagine in our heads is waaaaay pornier than any photos you can get away with putting in your albums.
Furthermore, I just saw the MV for "Love Song"
. WTF? How are we supposed to believe you are pining over your ex-girlfriend in the video, when we see you stripping in the streets? (Although oddly, the Korean Broadcasting Network thought the most offensive scene in that video was the one where you RUN INTO THE STREETS UNMINDFUL OF TRAFFIC LAWS
. Oh, Korea, you are hilarious. We love you.) When you are heartbroken, the following are acceptable: breaking things
, showering in slow motion
, running as though your pants were on fire
, and going recklessly into a den of mobsters and getting the holy hell beat out of you
. What is unacceptable: strip-dancing and gyrating your hips as though you were suffering from a burning sensation in your groin.
Oh, and the coy lip-biting and winking are nice, but you're just doing them too much it's beginning to look scripted. Of course we KNOW it's scripted, it's just that we'd like the illusion you're really doing it because you like us.
So you will understand why we have to break up. Yes, I know, I've already planned the wedding and all. I even conned the Stephen Colbert fanboy Ian to agree to be godfather at our wedding, and he's still traumatized by you beating Colbert at that dance-off. That was the extent of my love. But that love has simmered now. Because you are too slutty for me. Yes, I could never believe such a thing was possible. But it's true. It depresses me that I've seen so much of a man's flesh and not actually boingked him, you know what I mean?
You may be wondering, is paigan
seeing someone else? Is that why she's breaking up with me? The answer is yes and no. I'm breaking up with you because we no longer belong together. But yes, I'm seeing T.O.P. now.( My new boyfriendCollapse )
T.O.P. is nowhere near as pretty as you. But he's smart, talented, and, without taking off a single article of clothing, capable of driving his fangirls wild. As a matter of fact, if he had his way, he'd wear three layers of clothing to every function. He never ever shows his abs, and only wears short sleeves at gunpoint (or really hot Thailand weather), even though he has very nice arms. He's shy, except when he's onstage, when he easily slips on his bad boy persona. And even then, he never does anything stupid, like the crap his bandmate G-Dragon did
that nearly landed him in jail
. He's sweet, although he's been able to pull off playing a scary assassin at the tender age of 22. ( T.O.P. in 'Iris'Collapse )
Even though his character racked up the highest body count in that spy drama and *spoiler alert* KILLED A LITTLE GIRL
*spoiler alert*, the writers had to *spoiler alert* kill off his girlfriend
*spoiler alert* because the female viewers got jealous
. And he never had to take his shirt off once. Like T.O.P., you are one of the few people on this earth with the amazing ability to smolder while fully clothed, on a stage twenty feet away from the closest observer. You do it with your mouth, he does it with his eyes (which is why they keep making him perform wearing sunglasses -- there's only so much intensity we can handle without our brains exploding). You can learn from him, Ji Hoon. ( WordCollapse )
(I worry about your most promising apprentice Lee Joon. Right now, he titillates us the right way with his frequent flashing of his six (eight? ten?)-pack. ( Exactly how many packs, I dunno.Collapse )
But how long before he succumbs to your example and starts to walk around shirtless all the time? Aigoo. This will not do! ( Completely non-gratuitous photo of Joon shirtless.Collapse )
You must set a better example, because that boy *will* follow your lead, and not just because he played the younger version of your character in "Ninja Assassin". Think of the children! Especially Joon. *nods*)
Rain, sweetie, I will always have fond memories of you. And I *will* of course buy a copy of your new CD (right after I get my DVD of The Big Show, and T.O.P.'s solo album when it comes out this year). And I'll still watch all your movies. But like you said in your song, we must move on. Someone else has my heart now, and the top space in my LJ icons.